Which it is, but we also need to recognise and talk about when the abuse is within your family.

Familial patterns of blaming, manipulating,  dismissing and/or enabling behaviour could actually be gaslighting or emotional abuse, which is also domestic abuse.

There are important discussions being had and awareness being raised of the importance of boundaries and how to implement boundaries.

Boundaries being limits or ‘rules’ that we set in relationships.

Yet with parents, siblings and in-laws these can be some of the hardest and complex relationships to navigate.

There is enormous societal pressure to maintain family relationships, causing people to suffer, contributing to crossed boundaries, internal conflict, shame, suppressing feelings and authenticity.

I support victims and survivors of domestic abuse, many who have finally sought support due to an intimate relationship, but a theme that arises regularly is the dysfunctional and abusive relationships present in the family of origin.

This may be from witnessing as a child abuse directed at their parent and witnessing boundaries being violated.  There may have been overt trauma, witnessing physical abuse, things being thrown, screaming arguments. There may also be unhealthy expectations and more subtle, covert behaviours such as guilt tripping, blaming, manipulating.

If someone has grown up in a family where this is ‘normal’ is it any surprise that behaviours in a romantic relationship, that could be seen by others as ‘red flags’ are easy to dismiss?

Victims / survivors of domestic abuse will blame themselves.

Blame themselves for not seeing the behaviour sooner, for not being ‘strong’ enough to leave, for ‘allowing’ themselves to be treated that way.

Blame themselves for feeling, amongst other things, loss and sadness when they have finally managed to leave.

Shame themselves, ‘I’m so stupid’, ‘what’s wrong with me…’

Feeling this way is a normal experience which is often not talked about.

Everybody’s experience and situation is different but there are a lot of similar themes and feelings that come from being in an abusive relationship.

Through self-reflection, understanding abuse and the patterns and behaviours that occur, whilst looking at your experience of other close relationships can shed some light on how you have found yourself in an abusive relationship. 

In your family of origin were there patterns of accepting unacceptable behaviour?

Was people pleasing and feeling guilty normalised?

Did you develop a fear of conflict and fear of trying to implement a boundary?

Did you regularly put a family members needs above your own?

Please comment below with any thoughts or comments.